This essay is a psychological reflection and does not represent any specific theory or school of thought.
1. Two Desires
Humans need others. This much is undeniable. But what “needing others” actually means is not monolithic.
“I want to be recognized” and “I want to connect.” These two desires look similar but are entirely different.
The desire for approval is the drive to have one’s worth confirmed by others. To be valued at work. To have one’s talent acknowledged. To have one’s effort noticed. At the core of this desire lies the anxiety: “Am I worth anything?”
The desire for affinity is the drive to connect, to be with others. To laugh together. To sit in silence side by side. To breathe the same air. At the core of this desire lies not anxiety but warmth.
2. A Structural Difference
Approval structurally requires a vertical relationship.
The one who approves and the one who is approved of. The evaluator and the evaluated. Without this asymmetry, approval cannot exist. When someone says “You’re amazing,” the speaker and the listener are not equals. The speaker holds evaluative authority; the listener receives the verdict.
Affinity structurally operates on a horizontal plane.
Being together is the purpose in itself. Neither party is above or below. There is no evaluation, no judgment. Simply the mutual awareness of each other’s presence. Sitting in silence beside a close friend involves no hierarchy.
“Approval needs an audience. Affinity needs the person next to you.”
3. The Structural Limits of Approval
Approval has three structural limitations.
First, approval depletes. Being recognized once does not last. Yesterday’s praise loses its potency by today, and new praise must be sought. Approval generates an endless chain.
Second, approval presupposes comparison. “You’re amazing” implicitly contains “more so than others.” Value that exists only through comparison is perpetually threatened.
Third, approval is conditional. To be approved of, one must accomplish something. Without results, there is no recognition. Conditional approval reproduces the anxiety: “Perhaps I have no value when I’m not achieving anything.”
4. The Structural Strength of Affinity
Affinity possesses structural strengths that approval lacks.
First, affinity does not deplete. The joy of being together does not fade with repetition. Each reunion with an old friend brings warmth that feels fresh.
Second, affinity does not require comparison. The feeling of wanting to be with the person beside you admits no comparison with others. “I want to be with you” does not mean “I want to be with you more than with others.” It simply means “I want to be with you.”
Third, affinity is unconditional. One can be together without accomplishing anything. Affinity is directed at existence itself.
Approval is directed at “what you have done.” Affinity is directed at “the fact that you are here.” What proof of existence truly ought to protect is the latter.
5. When Confusion Arises
Many people confuse approval with affinity. And this confusion distorts relationships.
One seeks affinity but tries to substitute approval. One simply wants to be together, yet tries to find reassurance in being told “you’re amazing.” But approval cannot quench the thirst for affinity. No amount of recognition satisfies the need to simply be with someone.
The reverse also occurs. One seeks approval but disguises it as affinity. One truly wants evaluation but tells oneself “I just want to connect.” Yet inwardly, one is tallying the other person’s reactions. This dishonesty eventually corrodes the relationship.
Simply holding the distinction—am I seeking approval right now, or affinity?—changes how relationships appear.
6. Social Media as an Approval Machine
Social media is supremely efficient as a device for amplifying the desire for approval.
Likes, follower counts, retweets. All are quantified forms of approval, served in a format that invites comparison. People join seeking affinity, but what they receive is approval—and extremely short-lived approval at that.
One can have a thousand followers and no one to call in the middle of the night. A post can receive a hundred likes and still leave one with no one to sit beside. The numbers of approval are no substitute for affinity.
The emptiness felt on social media is, at its core, the structural limitation of trying to fill affinity with approval.
7. Who Is Proof of Existence For?
The motivation for leaving proof of existence also divides along the approval–affinity line.
Proof of existence left for approval is driven by “Look at me,” “Tell me I’m remarkable,” “Don’t forget me.” There is an expectation of evaluation. When that expectation is betrayed, the record feels hollow.
Proof of existence left for affinity is driven by “I was here,” “We lived alongside each other,” “I was connected to you.” There is no expectation of evaluation. Only the warmth of wanting to share one’s existence.
When leaving a record for a thousand years hence, approval cannot reach. One cannot expect an audience a millennium from now to evaluate and applaud. But affinity can reach. When someone a thousand years from now touches that record and feels, “This person was here”—that quiet resonance is a form of affinity.
“Approval requires a contemporary audience. Affinity reaches quietly across time.”
8. Proof of Existence as Affinity
The proof of existence that TokiStorage preserves is not an apparatus for approval.
It need not be evaluated by anyone. It need not appear on any ranking. It need not go viral. It is enough that the fact of this person’s existence is quietly there. That alone suffices.
When a daughter handed her laminated QR paper to a friend she had just made at the playground, that act was not seeking approval. It was not “Think I’m amazing.” It was proof of friendship. A pure expression of affinity. (Read “Proof of Friendship”)
Recording a voice and etching it into a QR code. Preserving a single photograph. Writing down a few words. These acts are not for hearing someone say “impressive.” They are for quietly telling someone in the future: “I was here.”
Records left for approval lose meaning when unrecognized.
Records left for affinity carry meaning simply by existing.
Proof of existence lives longest when left as an act of affinity.